RD: Welcome everyone to the first ever Crimespree Rumble! I’m Good Ol’ RD, along with my partners Joey the King and Robby the Brain. We have 30 entrants, one for each NHL team.
Rob: Last week on the show, we had Montreal’s Max Pacioretty seriously injured in a match against Zdeno Chara, and as a result, MaX-Pac was taken off on a stretcher and will miss the Rumble. No doubt the Montreal representative will be out for revenge tonight.
Joey: We also had a trade this afternoon of entry numbers between the Maple Leafs and Bruins. The teams swapped entry envelopes before looking inside. Here’s our first entrant, and it’s….
RD: Colton Orr, representing the Maple Leafs!
Rob: Looks like the Maple Leafs finally got their #1 pick! Haha!
Joey: The #2 entrant is Flames tough guy Raitis Ivanans. Orr and Ivanans should give us a heavyweight start to the Rumble!
RD: So, King, Brain, who are your picks to win tonight’s Rumble? Personally, I like Nashville’s Jordan Tootoo as a sleeper pick.
Rob: I’m going with Buffalo’s youngster Tyler Myers. He’s going to be a tough elimination.
RD: And while Ivanans and Orr continue to duke it out, here comes the #3 entrant, Flyers enforcer Jody Shelley. Shelley’s had a history with both guys, including KO’ing Orr in 2010.
Joey: Getting back to your question, I think Parros has a good shot tonight. He’s got the power of the stache!
RD: These three are really duking it out, but the #4 entrant is about to come out. It’s Colorado’s Cody McLeod.
Rob: You know, in his second career fight, McLeod took on Ivanans and the Latvian taught the young McLeod a thing or two.
Joey: Speaking of past fights, our #5 entrant, B.J. Crombeen is hustling to the ring and targeting McLeod!
RD: Crombeen is HAMMERING away on McLeod!
Rob: Meanwhile Ivanans, Shelley and Orr are trying to eliminate each other but with no luck. Looks like we’re settling in for a good rumble tonight.
Joey: Seems like we may have had another trade between the Flyers and another club. This definitely gives the Flyers the advantage in the rumble.
Rob: And they’re taking advantage! Carcillo and Shelley just high fived and then double clotheslined Ivanans out of the ring.
RD: And the teamwork continues as the pair take out McLeod and Crombeen at the same time. These guys could be unstoppable tonight!
Joey: And there goes Orr! Shelley and Carcillo have just cleared out the ring by them…
RD: OH NO! OH NO! CARCILLO JUST CARBOMBED JODY SHELLEY!
Rob: Shelley is out cold, he never saw that coming! Carcillo just dumped Shelley out of the ring; what a turn of events!
Joey: Wait a second, it looks like Carcillo is taking off his Flyers jersey!
RD: He’s wearing a Blackhawks jersey underneath! He just fooled Jody Shelley and the other participants!
Joey: Carcillo is alone waiting for who is next. 3…2…1…oh my God is it? IT IS!!! IT’S MAXIM LAPIERRE and he is flashing his trademark douchebag grin!
Rob: As you already know, Carcillo had some words to say about Lapierre and the rivalry between these two should be intense to say the least.
Joey: These guys are throwing some haymakers, but…
RD: ….it looks like both guys aren’t even connecting with their punches. Just flailing their heads back in anticipation of a punch.
Rob: Well, this strategy might work for these two, but as they have to face the next participant, #8 Steve Downie…well, never mind.
Joey: So our rumble has turned into the Embellisher Showcase, huh?
RD: And as we speak, all three participants are on the ground writhing in pain, despite never being hit by anyone.
Rob: This is just making a mockery of the entire Rumble. It’s a fiasco. Hopefully #9 will restore some order to this event.
Joey: You may get your wish, Rob, as #9 is the Islanders’ Trevor Gillies.
RD: Business is about to pick up!
Joey: Gillies is going after all three guys, just punching his way from one to the next.
Rob: It’s obvious his strategy is just to pick a fight with whomever and hope he can get a knockout.
RD: But, on the flip side, like is happening now, Carcillo, Lapierre and Downie have teamed up on Gillies.
Joey: They seem to work together beating up Gillies, but can’t agree on who gets credit for the elimination.
Rob: Maybe if these guys put their heads together, and their combined one brain, they could just eliminate him together.
RD: Hold that thought, Brain, as now we’re a third of the way through our entries, with LA’s Kevin Westgarth joining the fray.
Joey: Westgarth was CSH’s “Wolf Stansson” trophy winner this year for his lack of scoring prowess. And he’s going right after Gillies.
Rob: We’ve got ourselves a real battle of heavyweights as the three smaller competitors try to hit Westgarth and Gillies without any reaction from the two.
RD: The three are like gnats to the two bigger competitors. But those three are tenacious, trying to work as a team to eliminate both at the same time, but no luck so far.
Rob: Things might be evening out with NHL penalty minute leader Zenon Konopka entering the ring at #11.
Joey: His first hello is to Maxim Lapierre, who he just Konopkabombed.
RD: Hard to tell if Lapierre is really injured or not from that move.
Rob: Konopka easily dispatches Lapierre out of this match.
Joey: Gillies just looked away from Westgarth, and the Kings forward knocked him out of the match.
RD: What a cheap move, Lapierre is still hurt, we think, receiving attention from the medical staff and Gillies is standing over him, taunting him.
Joey: Totally uncalled for. At least he’s out of this match. Hopefully we’ll never see him in the ring again.
RD: Can we get this guy out of here?
Rob: So we’re down to four: Carcillo and Downie have paired off, as have Westgarth and Konopka.
RD: Brain, we’re getting back to five participants, as #12, Minnesota’s Cal Clutterbuck is now in the match.
Joey: Clutterbuck might not be the biggest guy, but he’s plenty physical, leading the NHL in hits for the last three years.
Rob: Clutterbuck’s going after Carcillo. The rumble’s early eliminator might be in trouble here as he’s being double teamed by Clutterbuck and Downie.
Stay tuned for Part II!